Letting
Go of Grudges
How many of us have friends we’ve discarded because of a perceived past hurt or wrong that we just couldn’t let go of? This is called a grudge.
From the Collins
English Dictionary: “A grudge is a persistent feeling of resentment, especially
one due to some cause, such as an insult or injury.” Urban Dictionary defines a
grudge as “a bad feeling or hate that you hold against another person for something
bad they did, or you think they did to you.”
Grudges, by definition, are not
feelings that can be easily dismissed—but should be.
This is not to say that your feelings
are less important than others. “Feelings” are subjective thoughts and
reactions to an emotional state in the body. They wax and wane over time.
Grudges, I find, are the one emotion that should dissipate within reason. Carrying
it around for years only hurts the one with the grudge, and it’s also unfair to the
offending party if left unaddressed. Especially if they have no perception of
offending, which can happen. This is a problem and one I’d like to address in
this post.
Holding on to a grudge stunts
emotional growth.
It can be insidious, leading to envy,
jealousy, and resentment. What does it benefit anyone to hold onto a grudge
that eats away at your soul and poisons the mind for one or twenty years or
more? What psychological benefit does it bring to harbor bad feelings or hate
(horrible word) toward another person just for spite?
I’ve heard that letting go of grudges
is a sign of maturity.
If someone insults you, it speaks more
about them than you, so why dwell on the insult. Step away from the person and
move on with life. Yes, words spoken from the tongue can be used as
weapons. They can hurt and maim quicker than the sword. This is why some
experiences are better left to have their moment (back-and-forth exchanges)
and, after that, move on.
Basta!
Interestingly, part of the definition (listed above) states, ‘something bad they did, or you think they did to you.’ Sometimes, a slight is nothing more than an oversight or misunderstanding between people, especially between friends or family members. Again, if this has occurred, I suggest addressing it immediately so that no one’s feelings are hurt to the point where resentment can grow. Even if it’s convenient to alienate someone from your life due to an undisclosed insecurity within yourself, it still speaks ill to hold a grudge, primarily if it stems from a misunderstanding. The cost is extremely high.
This is not healthy!
I believe it’s toxic to
continue to hold onto misplaced slights or to label someone as “toxic” in the
first place. As an aside, it just might be a misunderstanding that causes
suspicion, resentfulness, or untrustworthiness to arise and grudges to form
against a person who is a people pleaser: too nice, considerate, holds onto
some secrets they don’t want to share for fear of rejection, has more drama in
their lives than you, does things to make people like them more, or is a
perfectionist, especially if they crave love and approval. It doesn’t make them
needy, deceitful, manipulative, or unpredictable.
Cautious—maybe. And if so, find out
why.
If a grudge gets in the way of a
long-standing friendship, it behooves the parties to nip it in the bud before
it tears at the fabric of what you’ve built together. Good friends are hard to
find, and tossing them out behind a perceived ‘slight’ that leads to a
long-standing grudge or feud is just plain silly.
Dare I say it’s time to grow up? Yes.
~DaMarie
Photo Courtesy of Eric James Ward
*For
more information on Toxic Personalities, please click here and here.
*To
learn why toxic people accuse others of being toxic, please click here.
*To learn why you shouldn't label someone as toxic, please click here and here.
I agree with this post. However, sometimes you need to use discernment to know if it's even worth addressing the issue with that particular person. In my experience, if you know someone well enough, you may know that they are too emotionally immature to deal with the situation. It may just be best to either walk away or not address it and silently distance yourself. Maybe that person isn't capable of being a close friend and is better suited to being an acquittance, who you see seldomly and don't share private information with. I don't believe in holding grudges at all but it's not always in someone's best interest to confront someone, especially if they can, or have in the past, become abusive. In that case, you have to deal with the feelings you are carrying yourself, or with a therapist, and let it go, BUT above all DO NOT evolve other people. Your issue with that person is YOUR problem. Just what I've learned on my path! I'm actually dealing with something like that myself and I'm choosing to process by myself and let the person go! ~ Little Bird P.S. Hope I didn't overstep!
ReplyDeleteGreat comment! Thank you for sharing thoughts that I so appreciate. No need to worry about overstepping, you're fine. Of course, you have to choose your battles, but I think, in the end, it might be worth addressing the issues, especially if it's someone you care about. Otherwise, move on - it may not be worth it, but don't hold a grudge. Speaking of intervention, sometimes, grudges do impact others, and aside from "flying monkey" being who they are, others might benefit from hearing both sides. I believe that's a healthier way to mitigate a grudge match between two people whom others care about deeply without getting too involved. But I'm not an expert, this is just my opinion. Again, thank you for your comments.
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