A Post about Domestic Violence

 

What happened to Gabrielle ‘Gabby’ Petito? 

This was the question asked in August, but sadly, we received the answer in September. What happened to Gabby, and more importantly, how did she end up where she’d been found?

I first heard of this case when it ramped up toward the end of August and then watched both (2) full one hour and seventeen-minute videos of the police stop of Gabby and her boyfriend, Brian. The videos (from police bodycams) are from the two officers of that day and offer different perspectives. One video was released earlier than the other. To say I was angry, so angry, or infuriated is an understatement. I’m embarrassed to admit that I screamed at the TV while watching the video, which was utterly useless. 

The clues were there. Most people may have missed them. I did not.

I respect the police and make no apology for appreciating their tireless work to protect us from criminal activity. Policemen are humans, not robots. I can’t imagine the kind of mental fortitude it must take to do their jobs day in and day out, knowing the dangers they face daily. I imagine that they often wonder if they’ll make it home alive to see their own families at the end of the day. I can only imagine the courage it must take and belief in the human spirit to comply and keep them safe and for us who trust they do the right thing.

But, they are far from perfect; however, and unfortunately, this imperfection played out in how they handled the traffic stop in Utah. I’ve listened to expert analysis of this process from policemen, sheriffs, and former policemen who are experts in the art of policing. But was astonished to see the apparent lack of knowledge in recognizing manipulating behaviors in either the abuser or victim. I am so very sure that knowing what we know now, it would have been handled differently?

Honest physicians will tell you they’re only as good as our medical history, in order to make a proper diagnosis for treatment. Couple that with what they’ve learned in medical school, internship, and residency; our history tells the rest of the story. Beyond that, they’re just guessing. To go by the book (textbook and data) has its merits, but we need to push past that to get to the truth. Aside from given history, our intuition, observation, and scrutiny, help do the rest.

Ergo, policemen who answer domestic violence (DV) calls. They must trust their textbook knowledge, training, enforce the laws and carry on. They are not social workers nor domestic violence counselors. But domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls an officer can respond to. For more on this, please click here and click here and click here.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence statics for 2021 click here show that in the United States, 10 million adults experience domestic violence each year. Of those, each individual will experience violence upon them every three seconds. I will refrain from breaking down stats between races because domestic violence can happen to anyone, no matter who you are. I only mention men to illustrated that domestic violence can occur to anyone regardless of gender. Men suffer too. Statistics on Domestic Violence states that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men will fall victim to domestic violence in the United States. On a typical day, more than 20,000 calls are made to the domestic violence national hotline. 19% of domestic violence involves a weapon. 90% of children are witnesses to these attacks. The physical, mental, and financial effects of domestic violence are staggering. If you want to read more on these statistics, please click here. This is a worldwide concern, as evidenced by the United Nations’ attempt to address this behavior and stem the tide of occurrences. To read more on this, please click here.

Why do we do this to each other? The simple answer is that domestic violence is about power and control. It’s hard to imagine what or why women stay in these relationships. Relationships so toxic and unhealthy, it’s even more confounding to understand how any person got into these kinds of relationships in the first place. The reasons are varied and complex upon examination, but the signs are everywhere. Please click here to read more.

Domestic abuse is not just about physical violence. Those are easy to see and access. Oh no, verbal and mental abuse is what I’m speaking, and that damage is much more insidious, hidden, and unspoken. To my mind, Gabby Petito is a study of how easily clues can be missed when addressing domestic violence. All too often, we hear of these tragic cases and wonder how in the world it came to this. 

The following is my own assessment of what I was able to observe in the traffic stops videos from Utah and from Gabby’s YouTube videos. Disclaimer: The following are only suppositions, and any alleged wrongdoing by Brian Landry, is purely my opinion and circumstantial as he has not been charged with any crime.

What I’ve learned about Gabby through her videos of Van Life, was that she was a vivacious, adventurous, beautiful, and tiny young lady of 22 years and full of life. She was small in weight, stature, and voice, especially when faced with taking the blame, allegedly, for Brian. Any other time her voice was strong, deep, and confident.

She says that she’s mean, but she doesn’t mean to be mean.

OF COURSE, she says she’s mean because Brian has probably (allegedly) accused her of this more times than necessary and goes hand in hand with her need to be neat and tidy. Brian even says that she got angry he didn’t clean his dirty feet before getting in the van.

She says that she has OCD and says, I guess I do because I like to be neat and clean.

OF COURSE, she says she has OCD because Brian had probably (allegedly) accused her of this often, especially when she complained about cleanliness and neatness in the van. There’s nothing wrong with trying to be neat and clean. But she doesn’t seem the obsessive type in this scenario. They are in cramped quarters, and what self-respecting girl of 22 wants to reside in a crowded, dirty van all day? Never mind that her parents and friends have never accused her of having OCD, but she believes it. Why? Because Brian has allegedly convinced her of this? Maybe. He even says that she likes everything neat and has this OCD problem.

She says that she’s got angry because he kept telling her to calm down when she was already calm.

OF COURSE, she says this because it’s infuriating to be told you’re behaving in a way you know you are not. I can very easily see Brian allegedly telling her to calm down when she might be drinking a cup of coffee and gazing out a nearby window. Emotions can easily be manipulated by doing this, and when the only response is, “I’m calm. What are you talking about?” and the return response is, “You are not calm. I can see it all over your body. You’re tense and agitated.” And on it goes as a form of ’needling.’ This is hypothetical, of course, but I had a little brother who would do this to me ALL the time just to get a rise out of me. But, in an adult, this behavior is the hallmark of a master manipulator at work.

She says she’s starting a blog, but he doesn’t think it’s a waste of time.

OF COURSE, he thinks it’s a waste of time because he allegedly doesn’t want to share her with anyone and certainly can’t bring himself to support this without him being present at every turn, albeit in video posts and commentary. Brian even refers to this as her ‘little blog thing.’

She apologizes and takes the blame for everything.

OF COURSE, she takes the blame for everything. It’s all her fault, and she allegedly knows there will be hell to pay if she doesn’t absolve him from any wrongdoing. Besides, she has to get back in the van and continue traveling with him. He says she grabbed the wheel and forced it to turn into the curb. She says she didn’t grab the wheel and turn it. She says this without knowing that he’s already said she had. Oops! But also, take into account that he takes blame for nothing. She hit him, she scratched him, she turned the wheel, etc. He’s even seems giddy (allegedly) when the police absolve him and tell him, HE’s the victim; she’s the aggressor. They even started high-fiving and ‘bro-ing’ him to a point I found nauseating.

In my opinion, this is where the behavior from the police calls into question the need for additional officer training to access manipulative behaviors in domestic abuse situations. To be glib and quick to absolve Brian of any alleged wrongdoing sends the wrong message and feeds the bias, that women are indeed to blame for causing men to lose control. Now I ask you, what man of 160 lbs. and 5’8” or more would let a tiny girl who is all of 106 lbs. and 5’5” or less smack him around, allegedly? Maybe some, but not many. In my opinion, allegedly, not Brian Landry!

She says he grabbed her by the face, but it was nothing.

OF COURSE, she will say this. Even when the officer points out the scratch on her face, she downplays the assault saying it must have been her backpack that fell from the roof of the truck that scratched her. Yeah, that ‘I ran into the doorknob’ excuse has gotten so old. Then when the officer presses more, she admits it was Brian who grabbed her, and his fingernails must have scratched her face. The officer still does not press this further, especially when she downplays even THAT!

To grab someone leaving that kind of mark, a scratch from a fingernail, means that this was exerted with a lot of force in order to dig into her facial cheek. 911 calls don’t typically happen randomly over an exchange of curse words thrown at each other. Oh no. Two, 911 calls were made to report an assault regarding Brian and Gabby on that day. It is obvious to me that these calls were made, allegedly, because people witnessed something worthy of making the call in the first place. Again, I find it necessary to repeat myself here. In my opinion, additional officer training to access manipulative behaviors and psychological effects of victims in domestic abuse situations is needed. Brian should have been pressed a lot more than he was, in my opinion. 

In the end, the officers discuss among themselves, the choices they have to make. They comment that they have to consider their choices carefully because these situations can escalate and often lead to one person ending up dead. You think???? A chilling foreshadowing, to be sure.

One more observation:

She is separated from Brian and placed in the police car but never seems concerned.

OF COURSE, she doesn’t seem concerned. In fact, I would think she is relieved. Observances only here, but if she could take up less room in the back of that police vehicle, she would have. To try to appear small is a sign of fear. She begs not to be taken to jail and would do anything to pay a fine or something but does not want to be left alone. Some would argue that she was afraid of being taken to jail, what with her admission of guilt and all, but I saw and heard something else.

Let me explain.

She didn’t want to be ‘left alone.’ She says this. Was it a Freudian slip? What did she mean by that? Left alone with Brian, left alone in a jail cell? What if she was jailed? Would that reflect badly on Brian, causing more alleged arguments with him later on? Who knows, but the fact that she says something incongruent to the situation, “I don’t want to be left alone, please don’t leave me alone.” Says something to my mind.

How could Gabby have known she was in danger? She didn’t, or if she did, didn’t know how to get out of her situation. In my opinion, she was simply trying to survive. The decision to leave an abusive situation is the most dangerous time for an abused victim. To read more about this, please click here .

No one knows what happened or the many things that went through the mind of the victim or abuser at the time of this traffic stop. Nor do we know the events that led to the horrible outcome we’ve come to know. This was such a tragic loss, and I’m sure most of those involved blame themselves in some way. As a society, we try the best we can to prevent abuse, bullying, and all types of criminal behavior. Sadly, laws can only do so much to protect us; the rest is up to us.  

Life and quality of life are so very precious. If you know of someone or need help yourself, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Please click here to know what to expect when police are called and click here for help. 

 

~DaMarie

Photo Courtesy of Susan Wilkinson