Shrinking to Disappear

 

Shrinking

 

Spring is upon us. Let the cleaning commence! Ah, yes. But, just when I thought I was ahead of the game, laundry woes hit me in the face. My favorite sweater, which is lightweight and machine washable, was mistakenly put in with the whites and hot water. Well…as you can imagine, it didn’t go well for the sweater.

Shrunk to the size to fit a toddler, I was mortified with myself. How could I be so careless, I thought? How could I have placed this particular sweater in with this load of clothing? How indeed? Sad though it might be, even laughable (sometimes you just have to laugh at these things and move on). It got me thinking about the many ways we find ourselves shrinking.

Shrinking.

I did some research on this, and what a concept it is! Shrinking in size, voice, thought, action, surroundings, etcetera. Shrinking can happen for a myriad of reasons. It is insidious. It doesn’t happen suddenly or come out of the blue. Oh no! It is subtle by nature. A gradual process. A slow disappearing act that we tend to embrace not because we intend it but because of who we are or have become.

Man, woman, child, it doesn’t matter.

In the grand scheme of things, I believe women suffer from this ‘anomaly’ more so than any other gender. Much of life can bring about this withering of the body and mind. Blame it on our nature to please or an unspoken anger that has built up over time, which isn’t sociable to unleash. We fear being judged as terrible people or unable to get along with others if we do. Over time, we mask ourselves into being someone we aren’t because we care about how our behavior might be viewed, especially if we spoke out, stood our ground, or just said “No” occasionally. We fear losing close friends or family members who’ve known us for a long time if they hear our authentic voice. A form of ‘us’ we wanted them and the world to know. Horror upon horror if they found out we had a voice or an opinion!

Especially if it differs from their own. 

We’ve heard about voice before, but stick with me on this one. This is not meant to be a broad generalization but speaks to those who resist expressing opinions. The shy, the meek, the mealy-mouthed church mice who were told to be seen and not heard.*

We’ve learned to be passive in the face of adversity, which isn’t always healthy. Our aggression ekes out in other ways, and believe me—it shows, and it ain’t pretty! Passive-aggressive behavior is often seen as catty, underhanded, two-faced, dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, and so on.

This kind of behavior can stem from or cause toxic relationships. Without the ability to express our true feelings or nature, we often tend to acquiesce. We become yes men (people), tending to be viewed as doormats, wishy-washy or push-overs, and the like. After a while, we wonder how that came to be? We shrink inside ourselves and slowly disappear as authentic human beings. Our opinions matter, and we’d like to have them heard by others. We want to be respected for our opinions and grounded in our beliefs. But at what cost? What holds us back? 

Fear and shame.

The fear of rejection labels us. Speaking up dismisses us as crazy psychos, angry bitchy women, hysterical, and many others I could name—you get the point. It’s society’s attempt to shame us into submission. Isn’t it curious that this doesn’t hold the same for men? The dichotomy of this ‘labeling’ captures our spirit. It’s this fear that prevents us from opening up. We wonder how we will be perceived. More to the point, expressing ourselves this way feels uncomfortable. We’ve been taught not to make waves and get along with others. Don’t rock the boat. Be nice. We haven’t learned the coping skills necessary to be okay with saying ‘no’ for a change. We’ve been accustomed to allowing others to lead the way for us. We must conform to what our normal is rather than forge our own path. However, playing well with the other kids might work in elementary school. Not so much in ‘grownup land.’

It’s easier to disappear into a shell of who we are. To shrink.

Well, I say enough of that! It’s time to push back instead of being pushed over. I, for one, celebrate the voice. I, for one, glory in the ability to say out loud what no one expects from me because it is my truth. I will stand my ground and hold my own even if the fire burns me a bit. I know it will be extinguished by the honesty I profess. After all, it is this honesty, this authenticity, this bit of integrity that can be trusted, among anything else I might do. 

However uncomfortable it might make others to hear our voice, we can’t allow ourselves to disappear. We can’t continue lying to ourselves or others about who we really are. Isn’t it better to blossom instead of withering away? I believe that this is where our power comes from. A freedom that can be liberating. 

Who says we must sacrifice who we are to be accepted in our relationships? If others can’t accept who we are, it’s good to know before years are wasted pretending to be someone we’re not. It’s not fair to them, nor is it fair to us. How can they support or be there for us on a reciprocal basis if they never understood what we stood for? How can they appreciate our acceptable standards of behavior and, more importantly, how we want to be treated?

It’s up to us to set boundaries and enforce them. 

Boundaries are essential. Boundaries are not meant to keep people out. They’re meant to show people how to treat us. No matter who they are. That way, we can consistently ‘show up,’ not just for ourselves but for others as well, without walking on eggshells. All of this is ultimately about respect and giving clarity. 

I believe being honest and respectfully direct in our communications speaks highly of our character. Some might appreciate seeing the new person blossoming and becoming whole before their very eyes. Still, others may not, but who cares? Do we really need them in our lives? Ouch! That’s a hard one worth pondering.  

I don’t want to shrink. I want to continue to grow in wisdom and just be. The sweater served me well, and I will miss wearing it. From time to time, I will remember how fond I was of how well it fit me. But it has shrunk.

I will not.

~DaMarie

Photo Courtesy of Matus Kovacovsky

*None of the personal expressions mentioned in this blog post are meant to be demeaning. It is an attempt to illustrate the many labels society has placed on an individual to disparage or humiliate. Because of its use, it is in no way the reflection of the views of this author.  

YouTube is full of instructional/self-help guides on this topic. However, to read more about this subject matter, I suggest these books by various psychologist and inspirational speakers. To purchase, please click on the following links.

 

The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Ph.D., LMSW

The Next-Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More by Jefferson Fisher, Esq. and Speaker

12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson, Ph.D. - Audio book

If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.