BEWARE THE COPYCAT FRIEND

 

THE TOXIC BEHAVIOR OF COPYCAT “FRIENDS” 

Life is so strange. I tell myself the more I live, the more I learn. I hope that this is the last ‘learning’ I will ever need on this topic. Let me say at the outset that I was hesitant to post about copycatting because I didn’t want to give it more importance than was necessary. Then I thought twice and decided to go ahead, just in case others have had the same experience and might benefit from what I’ve discovered. If so, just know…

You are not crazy!

Ever have a friend you’ve known for a long time because you had so much in common? So much so that you trusted them almost implicitly? You shared everything. I mean everything! Your fears, pain, experiences, interests, insecurities, loves and losses, innermost thoughts, etc. For years, you thought of them as a sort of kindred spirit. It’s healthy to have friends like that, especially those you’ve trusted over the years. But then suddenly you achieve something wonderful. Something that brings more visibility and attention to you than you’ve ever had before. The dynamic of the friendship shifts, and that’s when you notice something strange and odd about your friend’s behavior. You suspect that something seems “off.”

I’ve had this experience, sad to say. As an author/writer, I found myself needing support from friends in various forms when it came to my writing journey. After a while, I noticed behaviors with a few that just didn’t feel right. The behavior was so disturbing that I did a little research, and boy, was I intrigued by the ‘rabbit hole’ I went down! The information was hard to ignore. *

Here’s what I’ve discovered about this pervasive behavior called “Copycatting”:

You notice that your longtime ‘friend’ starts to have almost too much in common with you. Those experiences that were once similar are now exactly like yours. These are not ‘one-offs’ but consistent occurrences. It makes you question whether the behaviors, creepy though they might be, are just weird or strange coincidences. I mean, behaviors that go beyond the adage of ‘the sincerest form of flattery is imitation’ thing. It seems that overnight it has built to the point where the friend has just about taken on most, if not all, of your attributes! Your senses become heightened, and if something in your gut tells you to run as far away from them as possible…do it.

Funny how it sneaks up on you. You dismiss your suspicions as irrational, or even petty. Then something happens that forces you to realize the odds of the similarities are just too great to be a coincidence. It doesn’t make sense until it does. Once it slowly dawns on you that they are imitating the life you have, the ick factor seeps in! It’s as if they want your life, your experiences, your pain and fears; even your significant other or person of interest is fair game and not off limits.

Yes! 

The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming. And to think that after all this time, you thought you might have been an anchor for them, and they for you. How dare they! But you’re a fair person, you reason. So, before you throw trust out the window, you go over the years of friendship. Examine the behavior for what it is…and that’s when you begin to see the patterns as they’ve manifested, subtle, but there. 

It can be confusing and mind-bending:   

You tell yourself that this can’t be happening; after all, you’re just an average person, no one of importance or fame. But in their eyes, you possess that one something that they crave, want, and must have. It can be horrifying to realize that this has probably been their aim all along. You rationalize that financially, they might have as much, or more, as anyone could imagine, so why would they obsess over your achievements and everything about you? Well, if not you…why not you? Some might see this as selfish, greedy, and insecure on their part, which it probably is. However, the resentment is too great for them to overcome. They will stop at nothing to claim your life’s experiences as their own, believe me. 

Creepy, I know. But it can get worse—even dangerous!

This can go beyond dressing like you or mimicking your mannerisms and speech. That kind of imitation can seem like flattery; a form of inspiration they’ve picked up from you, or a coincidence. It’s even viewed as harmless mirroring, an occasional use of a mannerism inspired by shared closeness or a need to ‘fit in,’ if you will, i.e., manner of speech, phrasing, or behaving. But the copycat element can go further and darker than that. This kind of imitation is constant and unrelenting. 

Impersonation is not flattery:

For so many years, you’ve given the friend access into your life. After a while, you realize that you have not only bared your soul to this person, but you’ve allowed yourself to be studied—an open book. They study you to determine what they can use and twist into their own experiences. Your funny anecdotes become theirs. Your friends become their friends. Your hopes and dreams become their same hopes and dreams. Your likes and dislikes become their same likes and dislikes. For instance, they can dislike something intensely, but the minute you voice that you like it—they switch to loving it! Everything about you will morph to them. There is also an unsettling and intelligent element to this.

The toxic/sabotage dilemma:

They may even engage in sabotage to tarnish your name and reputation to make you seem worse than they are. For instance, they contact you to learn what’s new with you, and because you’re friends—you tell all. When you ask what’s new with them, they’ll say, “Oh, nothing much.” Because of this answer, you find yourself doing most of the talking while they listen intently; studying and learning from you. Conveniently, they will turn your conversation around and tell others that you’re toxic because when you call—you always talk about yourself. If you call them out on this or their creepy behavior, they may accuse you of imitating them or being a liar! They don’t care if they hurt your feelings. You begin to doubt yourself and wonder if you’re being too sensitive or judging too harshly. You are not. See how this works? There are many reasons for toxic behavior, but in this context, it makes sense. *

The gaslighting and manipulations are insane!:

In most instances, you notice that your experiences become their stories but better, with episodes that are more intense and dramatic. I’m sorry, but unless it’s a trauma experience, no one remembers what was said word for word in everyday conversations—but they can and do! How unlikely? They outsmart, compare, and compete with you on a level you can’t even begin to imagine. They quibble with you over the smallest things to exert intellectual dominance. If you say the sky today is a beautiful blue, they will correct you and say, “No, it’s actually aqua.” You see, they have to be—no, they must be smarter, more intelligent, better looking, wealthier, superior to you in every way to ensure that you can never win.

Schadenfreude, anyone?:

They are secretly happy to hear your failures, illnesses, or weaknesses. Family feuds are their favorites. They will over-sympathize with you so much so that you question their sincerity. They secretly celebrate your failures because, in their heads, this could never happen to them if they were you. However, when you share something great that’s happened to you…listen to the silent pause before they jump in to congratulate you. That ‘silent pause’ is a tell. It’s the sound of gears turning in their heads, struggling to find a way to come off as genuinely happy for you—but believe me, they are not. They are not thrilled to hear about your happiness, but very disappointed. 

Why do they do this?: 

They do this because they think they are better than you! More superior; it’s just that others don’t know it. Yet. These kinds of people have no place in your orbit. These kinds of people are to be pitied and recognized for who they are. Insecure individuals who have very little to bring to the table of life. For reasons stated above, they envy you because they want what you have. They think, if only I could be like them, have what they have, I’d be happy. Envy denies them the ability to see that they can improve upon themselves in other ways; but mimicking you is not one of them. They are not original thinkers or creatives either. They mimic and thrive off others’ achievements to imitate their own. There is a psychological misfiring in the brain that you, as the caring friend, cannot fix. They could never be the kind of friend you need, nor are they able to develop a friendship that is reciprocal or healthy. Sadly, they are not your friends. They don’t like you.  

Cut your ties! You are not losing a friend. You are losing an enemy.

Who you are is what they want for themselves. So, protect your peace. Your friends should not be clones of you. These so-called friends can never be you. Your essence is your own that can never be diluted or taken away. Your originality is your own, which they can never have. Ever! You have given these people access to you. Word to the wise: Do not give them any more access. These ‘friends’ are delusional and can be dangerous individuals who suffer from a host of personality disorders that could well fall into what is clinically known as ‘Mirroring,’ which is a feature of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

How far can this go?:

I don’t mean to fear-monger, but copycatting is a very dangerous behavior pattern stemming from a personality disorder in people who desperately want more, including your life. If they can’t have it, they may take it. I’ve heard of an influencer in Mexico who was killed by a ‘best’ friend who copycatted them. This was a very unfortunate case. But stories like this can be found everywhere (a la The Talented Mr. Ripley or Single White Female kind of stuff).

These people don’t fear that you want what they have; that’s jealousy. No, what they suffer from is envy—they want what you have. Your essence, presence, sense of humor, attitude, you name it, they want it. They cannot get enough until you are gone. As if you’re wearing a costume that can be easily stripped away, which they can put on. Some feel they can only have it if you are eliminated.

So beware.

~DaMarie

Photo Courtesy of Emmanuel Wambugu 

*Some wording has been taken directly from professional insights and research through online sources. Other instances come from my own personal experiences.

*Per Psychology Today, toxic behavior is identified by these core concepts:

• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own memory or truth
• Manipulation: Using guilt-tripping, lying, or twisting facts
• Emotional abuse: Being dismissive of others’ emotions and lacking empathy
• Self-centeredness: Having a strong sense of entitlement and expecting others to prioritize their needs
• Constant drama: Causing unnecessary complexity and strife
• Criticism: Engaging in constant criticism or passive-aggressive behavior
• Need for power and control: Masking negative traits with charm or friendliness  

Toxic people can be family members, friends, coworkers, employers, neighbors, or leaders. Identifying toxic behavior is the first step toward protecting yourself from its damaging effects.